A Surgical Menopause

In 2020 I was diagnosed with a large benign uterine-tumour, or fibroid. This had a huge and surprising impact on my view of myself as a woman and mother. I was scheduled for a full hysterectomy, which was then postponed due to first Covid-19 lockdown, so by the time my womb was removed I looked 6-months ‘pregnant’ and as such my relationship with the carrier of my babies, became a negative one. Along with the constant pain, I worried if I would I still feel like a woman, would I age, what would the menopause feel like, and would my mothering instincts change without oestrogen coursing through my body?
In the months leading up to my operation I suffered an anticipated loss of maternity, coupled with fear for my own feminineity and impending early menopause. As an artist and practice-based academic researcher, I sought solace and knowledge through the process of making and privately performing my concerns through drawings and words, which I transformed into a series of three quilts. Throughout my subsequent recovery I also continued to draw and write, going on to stitch numerous reflections, including a ‘womb diary’ that documented the hidden history of my now destroyed womb. This process brought closure to my loss and has enabled me to move forward as a ‘woman without a womb’, whom I now realise, is no less a mother than I was before.
Images:
1. I will not allow this to define me. V. Marr. 2020. Patchwork quilt
2. I do not feel ready for this. V. Marr. 2020. Patchwork quilt
3. Will I still feeling like a woman? V. Marr. 2020. Patchwork quilt
4. Womb Diary. V. Marr. 2020. Embroidery on vintage dressing table cloth. (Plus alternative views – 5 and 6)